Linda Loftin

Love Letter?

In Progressive Punditry, Uncategorized on July 12, 2011 at 3:19 am

I am in Washington, DC this week and just happened to be walking down the street when a piece of paper, caught in a draft, wafted down towards me. I saw that it was a letter addressed to “Mr. and Ms. Average Republican.” It was from one of those hundreds-of-millions-aires, or maybe even a billionaire; it’s so hard to keep all that money straight. I did read it even though it was not intended for me because I just had to know why these high-fauluting folk would be addressing the common person, and I thought perhaps that the answer would be blowin’ in the wind (sorry, Dylan; I couldn’t help myself). I’m going to copy it verbatim for you since it explains so well why the super-monied Republicans, who make all the critical policy decisions that benefit only themselves, can still retain the loyalty of the ordinary Republican.

Dear Mr. and Ms. Average Republican:
Your continued party loyalty is deeply appreciated, although many will find it hard to understand. Your unflagging steadfastness is similar to that of the abused wife who stays with her spouse because she remembers that he used to be a nice guy when they were dating years ago. We hope your loyalty continues even as we slowly work to decimate your middle class way of life. We have some ambitious goals that I know you will be eager to support. We want to eliminate union bargaining rights and then destroy unions themselves because unions often support the Democrats and we can’t have that. We like to tell you that unions are the cause of all our financial woes in this country. We thought you’d be too smart to fall for that one but we are so pleased you bought it. We also love the idea of eliminating the minimum wage laws. After all, you want more jobs created, don’t you? When the ordinary worker is making one dollar an hour, we can bring back those jobs we sent to China and Bangledesh. We will be sponsoring a new show on House and Garden TV called “Decorating Your Mud Hut Creatively.” We hope you tune in.  
Naturally, you will understand that we must also get rid of Social Security, Medicare, health care reforms, and so called “safety-net” programs for the lazy, including WIC (food and formula for pregnant women and infants), Medicaid (serving 44 million so-called needy) and CHIP ( health insurance for children in poverty). Really now, I and my fellow super-richies pulled ourselves up by our daddies bootstraps so why shouldn’t the rest of humanity?
We also want to stop paying those pesky taxes. You pay taxes too so we know you understand. We don’t think we should have to pay any capital gains taxes and several of our esteemed presidential candidates agree that we shouldn’t have to pay. We also don’t think that taxes on oil or gas are necessary. Your Pennsylvania  governor agrees with us on that one. Mr. Corbett is a good friend to us rich folk; he stubbornly continues to fight for our rights not to tax Marcellus Shale, the only state that does not have such a levy. We like to tell you little white lies such as stating that we will be creating jobs for the little fellas if we don’t have to pay capital gains taxes or corporate taxes. We are surprised that you buy that one, but hey, we sure appreciate it! The middle class and the poor don’t have much anyway so they won’t mind having less when we eat up some of what you all have. I know you understand that my corporate jet and my private island are more expensive to maintain than your little abode.
While we are at it, we simply must do away with any environmental regulations. How can we get richer, thus improving the economy (for us anyway) if that unfriendly EPA insists on that silliness that they call clean air and water. What’s a little toxic waste between friends, right buddy?
Since we are on a roll here let’s cut back on public school and public universities so severely that they will die a slow death. We send our kids to private school  and Harvard (our multiple-million dollar gift helped greased those wheels). We will throw you a bone called vouchers, which you can use to help pay for schools you like; schools that inform the kiddos that evolution is just a theory anyway and that the founding fathers fought ceaselessly against slavery (Michele Bachmann is a illustrious graduate). We told you another little fib when we said your kids were learning nothing in public school in order for you to go along with our plan to ease into the destruction of public schools for all! Of course private schools don’t have to educate the disabled, or the disturbed and you’ll never know how their test scores are because private school darlings don’t have to have their test scores published! It’s a genius of a plan, if I have to say so myself.
You may be asking what you will get from our ambitious plans, but you remember what Kennedy said, don’t you? Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country. We will do a few things for the little guy. We will ban abortions because we have always been able to fly our ladies off to countries where these things are taken care of quietly so it’s not an issue that affects us and your religious leaders will urge you to vote for the items that are critical to us if we agree with them on this. In time of need there is always the back alley, just like there was prior to Roe vs Wade.
We’ll also give you lots of vague talk about creating jobs without providing any concrete programs. Talking about it will give you hope and we know that will be enough for you.
In conclusion dear friends, try to forget that we in the super wealthy set like to pretend that we are doing this all for you, when, in reality, we are the only winners. We contribute mightily to the campaign coffers of your politicians, so they are also telling you that we are the good guys with the superior plans. We trust that you will keep on believing, and if you do we might have an opening for a gardner and maid that you could apply for at our new below minimum wage, and there is a nice bridge down the road that you can sleep under.
Respectfully yours,
Mr. and Mrs. Megamillion-Billion

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  1. Would love this to be printed in our local paper!

  2. Your letter says it all. I think the only thing that was missed is doing away with Fed. and going back to the gold standard.

    • Thanks! I should write about the debt ceiling crisis but I find myself completely speechless. I’m just stunned that Cantor is willing to turn the country into a big junk bond.

  3. I’d like to see that as well, but it is unlikely! Thanks for the comment!

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